The Face of Mental Illness

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This is our daughter’s story.

All my life I have battled with severe depression, bipolar and anxiety. I just didn’t know they had names. I thought there was something wrong with me and it was all my fault. Why couldn’t I be happy? Why couldn’t I pull myself together? These questions were not answered till my late 30s. I have a past with drug and alcohol abuse to try and self medicate my feelings. Yeah, I was happy for those moments of under the influence but after the drugs and alcohol wore off, I was right back to where I was before.
A few years ago I hit my bottom with my depression. I couldn’t see any way of getting out of that dark pit. I was crying almost every day for no reason. I didn’t want to kill myself but I wanted the bad feelings to go away. I was admitted to the hospital for attempted suicide. It was then that I got the help I needed. I was diagnosed with severe depression, bipolar two and anxiety.
So here is where your education comes in about my diagnoses. These are the true facts. Having a mental diagnosis is not a choice. Mental diagnoses are diseases just like diabetes and cancer. There is no cure for a mental diagnoses only medication to try and help to lead a “normal life”. Bipolar and depression are sometimes hereditary. Both are chemical imbalances. What does that mean? It means our bodies produce actual chemicals to make us happy and sad. My body doesn’t produce the right amount for either. So, medication tries to balance and produce the right amounts of chemicals to be stable. For now, my medication is keeping me stable. Medication has to be adjusted all the time because our bodies are forever changing.

By me telling you my story, I hope that you will put a face with bipolar and depression. You all know me well. So the next time someone says ” oh that one is crazy ” or ” that one has got to be bipolar ” remember it’s not their fault. Please have some sympathy for them. It is a daily struggle. we just want to be understood.
MI_2I can’t say my diagnosis has been a total negative thing in my life. It actually brought out my passion and introduced me to my life’s work. This comes from being discharged from the hospital, feeling so alone and knowing what to do. I had no tools to stay balanced with my recovery. Having been labeled with mental diagnosis and nowhere to turn had me feeling like no one knew what I was going through. I’ve come so far from that point. I was determined to educate myself as much as I could. I came across a program called WRAP Program and CORE Training. WRAP stands for Wellness Recovery Action Plan and CORE stands for Consumer Oriented Recovery Education. Both of these programs have changed and saved my life.

Fast forward to present time. I am now working towards my state certification to be a Recovery Support Practitioner. Living Proof Recovery Center in Voorhees, NJ. is making it possible for me to volunteer time to help others in drug, alcohol and mental health recovery. To top off my day on Tuesday, I was informed by the the center, I have been selected along with another person to be trained as a facilitator the very program that saved my life……… The WRAP Program. How ’bout them apples??

I am the face of Mental Illness and have a name.

It’s Megan Yacona

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The Gardens of Weeden

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Me & Him on the porch with coffee. Dan and I were chatting in the car on the way to his gig last night about family memories. One in particular stood out in my mind and after talking about it, thought I’d share.

I love gardening. Just love it. I love the smell of the soil, the plants, the fresh air and the birds singing. I love when my hands get dirty along with my feet, even though I try gloves and shoes, it’s just not the same as bare hands and flip flops. I passed on a tradition from my Mom to our kids. She was very fond of gardening in the rain. Unfortunately, she knew she had a landscaping “crew’ which was made up of her four children. When she had bushes or plants to install, she’d gather us all and out we traipsed. In the rain. Whining, rolling eyes, complaining, hauling soil, rain streaming down our faces, in our eyes, hair soaked along with our clothing. It didn’t matter how hard it rained, that was our gardening day. As we vocalized our displeasure, she’d cheerfully tell us that rain was the best weather to plant in.

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“You don’t have to water anything, because the water’s available! Our plants LOVE being planted in the rain! It feels clean and refreshing! Now stop complaining and get to it! The more you slack, the longer this will take and you just may as well enjoy yourself, because no one and I mean NO ONE’s getting away!”

Fast forward to our kids’ younger years. It’s raining out and I have plants to install. I’d gather up Larry & Megan and in spite of their almost to the letter whining..out we went. In the rain. To plant. I swear I was channeling Mom, because out of my mouth came the same exact..to the letter admonishments.
“You don’t have to water anything, because the water’s available. Our plants LOVE being planted in the rain! It feels clean and refreshing! Now stop complaining and get to it! The more you slack, the longer this will take and you just may as well enjoy yourself, because no one and I mean NO ONE’s getting away!”

Mom and I must have done something right as my syblings,  Carol, Louie and Dennis loved gardening. Megan always, when her sprouts start sprouting early in the Spring, sends me pictures of what she’s discovered in her yard or calls me to tell me what she’s seeing as she walks around her beds. Larry found us this great little apartment, complete with my little slice of heaven, knowing full well that I’d miss planting.

So now, I’ve made two discoveries about myself. My love of rain and gardening..straight from Mom. Today is a planting day even thought it’s not raining, I’ll plant and remember when I love it so.
Happy Sunday!

A Crowning Glory

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Me & Him on the porch with coffee. I had a question from a new client yesterday and that was “What made you choose cosmetology for your occupation”. My first answer was “My father” and that was because I hadn’t thought I’d do anything after graduation, except marry my high school sweetheart and have children. Dad told me I must go to some sort of school, “Because a woman should always be able to take care of herself.” When he asked me what I wanted to do, I immediately answered “I want to be a hairdresser”. And so I am.

However, it goes deeper than that quick answer. I started thinking after that question from my client and here’s what I came up with.
Mom always, always did her own hair, until I got my license. I remember setting her hair on pin curls as a 4 yr. old. After her hair dried, she’d brush it out and no matter how bad it looked, she thanked me and said it was most beautiful. Then she’d go to work with that “do”. I asked her in later years why she didn’t change it and she said when she looked into the mirror at Dad’s (who would be our father) store, she’d think of me. First lesson in not redoing something not to YOUR liking. After she and Dad married, she still did her own hair. I’d sit on a closed toilet seat and watch her with an old coffee cup and toothbrush coloring her own hair. Lady Clairol’s Flame Red Red and Golden Apricot. She must have been a pioneer in hair color, as we are now using bowls and brushes, just as she did. She taught me how to tease hair, explaining as she went. “Hold the section like this and then start from the bottom, honey. Never let it look tangled, always smooth gently”.

When I became licensed, she immediately started coming to me every Saturday morning at 9:00. I’d roller set, brush and tease her hair, spraying it within an inch of it’s life. We had some good chats, some heated arguments and some wonderful giggles in that chair.
After we moved to Florida, she continued going to a friend of mine for a number of years and when she visited, she’d have that Saturday 9am appointment with me in the salon I worked in.

Years later, when she became ill, weaker and unable to travel. I’d go up to visit, color her hair and cut it. It was me she trusted to cut it short..wash and wear, giving her lessons on how to do it herself. Next visit, she said she loved it, but maybe she should let her color grow out, which she did.
Each time I went, I’d give her a haircut, until she found someone to come to her. I kinda missed that time with her, but it was more free time to spend with her..giggling.

When she went into assisted care, no longer able to spend even short periods of time alone, Meg and I took her to the little shop on premises. I brought my own tools and found that we’d come full circle. Instead of that young redhead sitting in my chair, I found myself gazing into the beautiful, shimmery eyes of a wonderful, giving soul. Instead of cutting and teasing red hair, I was styling and brushing white. She once asked me to turn her away from the mirror because “I’m old and ugly”. I turned her to me, looked directly at her and said “Mom, you have more soul and beauty than anyone I’ve ever met. Your eyes are so amazing and beautiful and your smile just warms my heart. I can’t change how you feel about yourself, but I can tell you that not one person who looks at you, thinks you’re not an amazing woman.”

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With that, I turned her back to the mirror and we chatted just like old times..my heart full of Mom.
Happy Sunday!

The Helpers

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Me & Him on the porch with coffee. What would our world be like without volunteers? You know…those people who work without monetary payment, but for the simple pleasure and enjoyment of giving? I’ll tell you what would happen. Foundations would collapse, people in need would go hungry and cold. The grieving would be be without the help they need and children would be without some direction. The list goes on and on.

There’s another facet of volunteering you may not have thought of. There’s an article in the media  of Mr. Rogers talking about “helpers”. In any sad or tragic situation, there’s the “helpers”, working silently caring in the background, wanting no accolades, just results. Not everyone is able to give a few hours a week, working somewhere to help, but we all have a few minutes to hold a door, carry groceries for someone, drop a dollar in a collection bucket or share some leftovers with a friend. If you do these things without thought..guess what? You’ve joined the ranks of volunteers. Happy Sunday!

Originally posted March 23, 2014

Photo taken by Megan Yacona of her and her grandmother, my mother, holding hands.

Meanderings on Fitness and Grief

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“ANGELVERSARY”

Me & Him on the porch with coffee. My last Sunday at age 62 and also approaching Carol’s 3rd “Angelversary”. As I walked this morning, my emotions took over and I wanted to shake my fist, railing at Him for taking her from us so young.

“Don’t you know we had plans to grow old together like Mom and Aunt Rae???? We talked about it all the time…watching them and saying, “There we are, 20 years from now.” And then we’d laugh.

After I fought the sobbing and heartache down, I realized she’s in the perfect place, with Him and family gone before her, welcoming those after her. I raised my eyes to the beautiful, azure sky and thanked Him…like the toddler who had a temper tantrum and of course, I was forgiven. That’s how He rolls. I didn’t even have to sit in time out.

This last week of 62-itis, I’ll continue pursuing good health. I’m stronger, leaner and healthier than last birthday. I’m removing sugar, flour, additives and chemicals from my daily diet, enjoying the food I prepare and using it for fuel, instead of a drug to soothe my grief. I’m writing more  and will no longer beat on doors not opening and instead will look for the open ones…doors and windows of opportunity.

This week, is the first week of the rest of my life and I’m planning on honoring my mother and sister by experiencing the things they couldn’t. I’ll celebrate them both as well as myself.

They’d be so proud.

Happy Sunday!

Originally written on Sunday, February 8, 2015

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Welcome to my porch! On this porch, I spend a lot of time thinking, contemplating, praying, reading, observing. Every Sunday morning for the past year and a half, I’ve written  weekly posts to Facebook and titled them “Me & Him on the porch with coffee”. This is my church. My spiritual place. My space of  worship. I usually just write what pops into my head and hope it all makes sense.

Each and every Sunday, I’ll update my blog with my Sunday morning writing and sometimes, I’ll post something I’ve written in the past right smack dab in the middle of the week. Please join me as there’s plenty of room on this porch of mine.

Welcome!